Autumn Change

There are some disadvantages to living in a rural area… the night sky is not one of them.  Tonight I am sitting outside on my mother’s wooden porch swing as I re-read an old favorite, The Fellowship of the Ring.  Let me paint you a picture.  My mom’s house sits at the top of a hill overlooking the small town I grew up in.  You can see for miles on a clear day and tonight was no exception.  The air is bordering on cool and I know that in an hour or so, it will be too chilly to sit outside without a sweatshirt or blanket. The buzzing and clicking of the crickets and katydids join together in a last ditch effort to find a mate before the summer ends.  Football season has started, and I can see those “friday night lights” as the sounds of the local high school game drift up the hill so that if I listen very carefully, I might make out the voice of the announcer giving the score (For years the announcer was the local middle school Social Studies teacher).

There is something infinitely wonderful and nostalgic about this time of year.  I love autumn more than any other season.  The crisp smell of autumn is the smell of change. The brightly colored leaves signal the turning of the season.  Change is thrilling, but change is also sad and scary.  Even while I sit here watching the sun slip behind some trees– moving on to other parts of the world, I take a deep breath and try to take everything in just as it is in this moment. Trying to retain the memory of an autumn night that will never be like this one again.  Time is always marching forward and things will never be like this again…   Change tells us to appreciate the moment.  Change isn’t good or bad, it just is… and that’s exactly how things should be.

!*%&$*#(@)

So here is story all theater folk (and non-theater folk) can appreciate and fear all in the same breath. Let’s break this story down into GOOD and BAD…

GOOD: Artistic Director of theater calls me into “audition” to fill a role in a musical. I audition for said AD, the Musical Director, and Director.

GOOD: They love me.

BAD: Instead of asking me to be a part of the cast, they announce that I’m now a part of the cast and "go and get measured and fitted for a costume because first rehearsal starts in ten minutes…" I hear myself stammering, “Uh, okay” as I am led backstage to the costumer.

GOOD: The cast is very talented. First rehearsal is a mild success.

BAD: I’m in the ensemble. Now that’s not the “bad” part because I don’t mind ensemble work. I appreciate it on many levels. The bad part is, I have a teeny tiny ensemble role and the choreographer keeps choreographing tall guys to stand/dance/sing in front of me. So during the couple minutes of stage time I have, I’m staring at some guy’s sweaty lower back.

BAD: The Musical Director doesn’t like that I can’t manage to belt my vocal part over the 26 other people not singing alto. Apparently the decision was made that they would cast something in the neighborhood of thirteen tenors, ten basses, six sopranos and three altos…. are we being serious? I’m sorry, but I’m not going to ruin my voice belting over these people because someone chose to stage me behind Andre the Giant. Also, when I asked a question tonight, she banged on her piano and sighed heavily. Ok, so I guess I won't be asking any more questions...

ANNOYING: The SM is a poor communicator. 

GOOD?: There is a guy in the cast I have the hots for. It is possible that he is not gay.

BAD: I hurt my “good” knee at rehearsal last night because I was unaware that we would be dancing (see my previous gripe about lack of communication) and was wearing flat, unsupported shoes.

So where does that leave me? Befuddled and irritated. I don’t want to burn bridges by dropping this show—so I will stick with it—but next time when someone says to me, “Perfect! You’re in. Go down the hall to be fitted, rehearsal starts in ten minutes.” I will take a deep breath and say, “Thank you, but do you mind if I ask a few questions first…?”

I think I think

25 years on this earth and during the last decade (or so) I’ve been waiting for my real life to start. For years I’ve wanted so badly to be able to choose a path and walk confidently toward the end goal; lightly stepping past rocks and jumping over fallen trees with ease and excitement, never stumbling and never getting tired. It seems that everyone has their life figured out, except me. All my family and friends and peers and the guy standing in line behind me at the ATM, all of them seem to know what they’re doing. And now I think I have it figured out, and the answer is that no one has the answer. I think most people wake up in the morning and put on their adult face. They brush their teeth (one can hope!) and comb their hair and head to the office with a very serious look of ‘this is what grown-ups do and I’m a real grown-up’ while they sip their morning latte and wonder if they are really meant to live this life. Do they think the same things I do…?
What should I be doing with my life?
What will make me truly happy?
Should I quit my job and do something I’m passionate about?
What AM I passionate about…?
How many calories are in this latte?

I’ve been seeing an ex-boyfriend of mine. I wish I didn’t have to label or qualify it like that because I don’t really care what the label is anymore. We’re friends. We also have sex. We also watch movies, go to dinner, and take walks, etcetera etcetera etcetera. But we have not wanted to go back to the Tarzan-Jane world of me-girlfriend, you-boyfriend. I get frustrated with him for frequently being incommunicado and he tolerates my bursts of crazy and insecurity with the patience of a saint; but nevertheless, from my view of things, we are happy in this arrangement of sorts. I wish I didn’t feel it necessary to explain this relationship to everyone (namely friends) and get the “maybe he’s just not that into you” cliché. I don’t think anyone knows what they are doing in life. Life is hard. It is also short. Why should I waste my time following convention and formulas so that others won’t tisk tisk my choices? Do I know what I’m doing? Hell no! But neither do you.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think. –Ambrose Bierce

oops

My God!  Has it really been more than two months since I've blogged anything?!  Unfortunately, my "real" life hasn't been exciting, but it has been...consuming.  Busy enough that I haven't felt the need to write; or perhaps more accurately, I have fel no joy with the idea of writing.  I blame the theater.  My mind becomes engrossed in the show, the characters, etc... or maybe it's just that it takes so much energy for me, that my body is exhausted and I therefore have very little to give my other creative outlets.

Jordan and I broke up.  For the last time.  No tears.  No heartbreak.  Funny, isn't it?  I spent eight months with him.  Not a lifetime, but long enough to matter.  I took a breath and moved on.  The same cannot be said for someone else who I have inviting back into my life.  I wasn't sure he would be willing, that he would want me back anymore.  But I guess he did.  It's a magnetism we have for eachother that I'm not sure either of us can fully explain--even after all this time.

I'm currently doing a show called Quilters.  You would think a show about fabric would be boring, you would be wrong.  It's a little disjointed at times, but I think, truly facisnation how these women lived in their day to day lives.

That's all I have for now.  I promise to write more and often.

Desperate Children Flee Zimbabwe

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/24/world/africa/24zimbabwe.html?partner=permalink&exprod=permalink

a girl of my age

Regrettably, it has been some time since I have written anything--a full month actually. No blogging, or journaling, or finishing of my novel. In the last few weeks I find my attitude toward everything and anything to be one of indifferent acceptance. But I am satisfied with my current situation and am excited at idea of truly allowing myself the opportunity to swim or sink as an actress. No thoughts of choosing another profession or going back to college for God-knows-what... It may well be that I'm too flaky or strange for a "real" job with "real" responsibilities; I think it’s possible that I may lack the capacity for being the responsible adult that is expected of a girl of my age.

Jordan and I made it to six months. We are very good together but a number of things are happening to try to sabotage what we have going. First, we are both living at home. I, because I can’t seem to act and have a job that pays the rent and the bills AND have enough left over to eat; and he, as a temporary solution to paying off debt, his lease coming to an end with no desirable room-mates in sight, and a notion that he might help his mom and brother for a while. However, his hours were cut at work and now the car that he had intended to have completely paid off by next month has had problem after problem. We never seem to have a moment alone. We’re either surrounded by my family or his, or we go out on a date and are surrounded by friends or strangers. And I’m not sure which is worse right now. Doesn’t seem to matter who it is, it’s a… well, what is it then? A nuisance? I suppose I feel we have been stifled in our physical and emotional attention to each other by relentlessly feeling that we are not entirely alone together. We’re just weary of always restraining our selves or having a quick moment here or there. Is this what marriage is like when you have children? If so, then I wouldn’t wish children upon any couple.


In the book of life's questions, the answers are not in the back.--Charles Schultz

Hey hey baby hey

Hey hey! This is going to be a short one, but I feel guilty for not updating my blog so here is a run down of the last month or so…

Christmas at the Guthrie…or more appropriately, “the squeezing, wrenching, grasping, covetous old sinner” that is the Christmas Carol run. Rehearsals started in October and we went into tech week knowing we would only have two full days on stage before we were in front of an audience. Well that may be all well and good for those actors who have been doing this show for seven, or eight, or twenty seasons, but for a newbie like me, it was less thrilling and more terrifying and exhausting. From there we launched into eight or nine shows a week. Anyone who has ever had to perform more than one show a day will tell you that is literally sucks the life out of you. So much of the energy you might spend throughout an entire day is used when performing… even when one’s part is very small. It is especially difficult on those days when you are already exhausted or sick or just don’t feel like doing it. But you do it anyway. God knows why.

I’m also not working during this show, so I am stressed to the max, knowing that I have creditors banging down my door while bills continue to pile up and I can barely afford to put gas in my car. Remind me why I wanted to do another production at the Guthrie? Oh yeah, for the “experience.”

I auditioned and was asked to be a part of the cast in “Quilters” at Theater Unbound… I’m still weighing my options there. Not that I don’t want to do the show, I do. But those green pieces of paper are looking mighty tempting right now.

Jordan and I are back together. He realized he was being a jerk-faced idiot and wanted me back after a week. Currently, he is still on “probation.” He’s been doing very well.

Other than that, will be playing my annual “potted plant gig” for CVTC’s graduation ceremony. Making Christmas cookies and hoping to stick to my diet. Ta ta for now!