25 years on this earth and during the last decade (or so) I’ve been waiting for my real life to start. For years I’ve wanted so badly to be able to choose a path and walk confidently toward the end goal; lightly stepping past rocks and jumping over fallen trees with ease and excitement, never stumbling and never getting tired. It seems that everyone has their life figured out, except me. All my family and friends and peers and the guy standing in line behind me at the ATM, all of them seem to know what they’re doing. And now I think I have it figured out, and the answer is that no one has the answer. I think most people wake up in the morning and put on their adult face. They brush their teeth (one can hope!) and comb their hair and head to the office with a very serious look of ‘this is what grown-ups do and I’m a real grown-up’ while they sip their morning latte and wonder if they are really meant to live this life. Do they think the same things I do…?
What should I be doing with my life?
What will make me truly happy?
Should I quit my job and do something I’m passionate about?
What AM I passionate about…?
How many calories are in this latte?
I’ve been seeing an ex-boyfriend of mine. I wish I didn’t have to label or qualify it like that because I don’t really care what the label is anymore. We’re friends. We also have sex. We also watch movies, go to dinner, and take walks, etcetera etcetera etcetera. But we have not wanted to go back to the Tarzan-Jane world of me-girlfriend, you-boyfriend. I get frustrated with him for frequently being incommunicado and he tolerates my bursts of crazy and insecurity with the patience of a saint; but nevertheless, from my view of things, we are happy in this arrangement of sorts. I wish I didn’t feel it necessary to explain this relationship to everyone (namely friends) and get the “maybe he’s just not that into you” cliché. I don’t think anyone knows what they are doing in life. Life is hard. It is also short. Why should I waste my time following convention and formulas so that others won’t tisk tisk my choices? Do I know what I’m doing? Hell no! But neither do you.
Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think. –Ambrose Bierce
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3 comments:
You know that I'm constantly questioning my career... I found that sometimes you have to force yourself to do something just to get by - to have money to live... it sucks.
Um.... me thinks this makes a good monologue. Write a script, please so I can steal your material.
Hahaha. Yes, I need to kick it in to high gear and actually finish a script I start.
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