I Hate Love

I find myself in a predicament of sorts. How do I open up to the possibility of a relationship and the possibility of love and intimacy when I’ve taught myself to guard from all possible attacks? I’ve been building walls since I was a kid; brick by brick I piled them so no one could get in. I learned at a very young age that if you hid your emotions behind your face, you could take advantage of seeming poised and detached; and sometimes even taking advantage of this carefully constructed façade to find hidden opportunities to use to my advantage. I learned how to manipulate and lie and distance myself from anyone who showed the slightest possibility of wanting a sincere relationship with me. Of course, there is the odd person or two that managed to wriggle through a crack and to those good friends I have always been as honest and loyal and altruistic a friend as I am capable of. But they are very few. With those few exceptions to the rule, I am guilty of only allowing superficial friends and lovers into my life. And while they may be alcoholics, drug addicts, emotionally unavailable, immature, selfish and angry, they were very safe choices. You could always count on them to split.

My very first “real” relationship was the most “successful” relationship I’ve had to date. And while I did break down some of my emotional barriers and let him in. It was the first time, in a very long time that I would learn to lean on someone else emotionally and trust in someone else’s genuine love and respect for me. I also set little traps and picked fights and told little lies (some not so little) and ultimately laid the foundation for what would prove to be a very tumultuous, unbalanced relationship. As you might have guessed, like 99% of all first loves, it ended after a year. And not well. That was almost four years ago now and since then I have had the good common sense to pick and choose men who I know will leave me sooner, rather than later. They are always charming, funny, and talented and a myriad of desirable qualities—but none of them have loved me and I have not loved a single one of them. Not in the true sense of the word. How can you love someone when you won’t let them see who you are? So I’ve been operating under the assumption that it was good common sense. But now, now I’m standing on a precipice. I can either turn back towards what is comfortable, what is easy and safe or I can step off into the unknown. I can choose not to bring my usual bag of tricks into the beginning of this relationship and just play it straight. It’s going to be really hard for me. But I think this guy might be worth it.


Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…I hate love.” --Neil Gaiman