I wasn't looking and fell into a relationship.

So the guy referred to me as his girlfriend last night. When was the last time a guy I was dating actually called me his “girlfriend” when talking to his friends?! It’s been a long time. I almost laughed when he said it, not because I don’t want to be his girlfriend, but just because it was so unexpected. And speaking of unexpected… he came over to make me dinner last night and when I opened the door he said, “I brought you a present,” and hands me a jar of garlic. I laughed and said, “I love it.” He then says, “Then you’ll love this.” He reaches around the door and hands me roses. I think the word I should use here was shocked. I was literally shocked. First of all he didn’t choose the traditional (and cliché) pink or red (Thank Jeebus) but a beautiful coral color; and second, well honestly I’m still amazed that he brought me roses for no reason real reason other than he wanted to. (And he probably hoped to get boned. Yeah, I’m super romantical.)

But now here comes real life. I’m freaking out. It’s what I want right? I want this relationship with this guy. I do, I do, I really do. So why, why, WHY am I second-guessing and trying to talk myself out of liking this guy and moving the whole thing forward? It’s like, if I’m not struggling, if I don’t feel that I’m hanging onto the relationship by a thread, then it’s not right—there’s not enough “spark.” When what I really mean by spark is the anxiousness and the constant unease of not knowing when and if I’ll hear from him again. When did I start believing that it’s okay for me to be the only one fighting for a relationship, trying to preserve a relationship, forgiving all the wrongs and hurts just so I won’t rock the proverbial boat? Why am I so goddamn fucked up? I’m being treated so well, with such love and respect that I am… what? What am I? Scared? Restless? Nervous? Insane? Tired? Hungry? Well, okay, not the last two. But now we get down to it, don’t we? Why am I so eager to throw away this great guy with all of his friendship, and adoration, and passion for me? I think I need to settle down and maybe even be straight with him and explain what’s going on in my crazy, little brain.

“I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I’m gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I’m an idiot. And I’m your boyfriend.” --Jimmy Fallon